It's 1:34 AM, 7/1/15, Wednesday. And i'm having an anxiety attack.
Over what may you ask?
Myself
I've been having really bad ones lately but the last two have had reason. This was because I as on my phone which I think made my friend leave. Which is fucking terrifying.
My biggest fear in life is to loose the things I love and this is one thing to fuck everything up.
I started thinking; Ya know I really fucking hate myself.
I can't help but think of how much, I don't want to be here despite what position I am. I have my dream job right in front of me, so many friends, an amazing boyfriend whom I love so much but i'm on my phone constantly and I don't know why.
I fucking hate that I do it and it tares me apart.
I need to stop.
I have to stop.
What if I loose the things I love because of this.
Why does he love me so much when he's so much smarter than me?
How can he love a girl with a C average in school.
I want to be smarter but I physically, cannot be.
It's literally impossible for me to be smart.
Damn, I say the stupidest things in the entire world.
I want to be mute by choice but i'm so fucking loud.
My fucking god I want this ADD To go away more than anything so I can be fucking smart.
Why was I the one in the entire family to be given pale skin, blue eyes, and NOT fucking intelligence.
Why am I the one with depression.
I want a well paying job like my siblings.
I want to have no care about anything but instead that's all I do is care and what happens in the end? I end up getting fucking hurt.
I want the same stomach I have last year but instead I can't sit without standing up and noticing lines from my rolls. I know i'm skinny, I know i'm over exaggerating because people think i'm anorexic but all. I see. Is how fat I am. All I see are my flaws.
God why am I so stupid.
Why can't I just be normal?
Why can't I get Asleep by The Smiths off repeat because all it's doing is making me upset.
Why can I not sleep at night?
Why can't I be smart enough to get into a really good college.
Why did I barley get through freshman year?
Why did I loose all my friends at the start of it?
Why do I look attractive on some days and at one. angle. ever.
Why am I SO UGLY
WHY CAN'T I STOP CRYING
WHY CAN'T I STOP LOOKING AT THAT GOD DAMN RAZOR AND LUSTING THE CUT OF IT SO FUCKING BADLY THAT IM SHAKING
Why
Can't I be comfortable
in
my
own
skin..
Why, am I not okay, with just, being, me.
It's 1:45 AM now, and I can't seem to wonder, why am I still here.
Thank you..